First Day of My Life. Bright Eyes

i have mental anxiety attacks.
if i think about college too much my palms start to sweat.
if i try to calculate how much i need to save for college i almost cry.
moving out makes me want to cringe.
and house payments makes me want to fly away with peter pan tonight.

growing up is hard. i decided that today.
transitioning from getting an all paid senior trip to not going on a trip til youre a senior is hard.
and going to lone peak didnt help that

Clouds. One Direction

i was drowning breathing in air.

the more i tried to breathe the more i died

blinking away the wind made it worse

the stadium turned off. the roar was tremendous. 

i was falling. the sky becoming more distant.
the parachute was caught on the heel of my boot.
the string refusing to loosen.

neon was glowing. the music blared. it was happening.

i struggled to reach my boot.
adrenaline told me the clouds werent getting any closer.

drums pounded. the guitar sang its first note.

i was in denial. what am i supposed to do now?

the fireworks flew high and sparked red.

i accepted my fate.

i was dying. and one direction was singing clouds

heres to harold

"this is the starting of my greatest fear..."
the first line i wrote on my first page of my creative writing journal
its been about six months since ive started writing
and since this blog. happy birthday blog.

i think the most embarrassing thing i ever did in that class was cry when i read my final.
i cant believe i did that. to this day its the one thing i still regret.
and yet i was proud of myself.
i wanted to read my real talk post. but my conscience just didnt want to. she knew i would cry if i read that as my final, and she had a reputation to uphold.
but i won. the ego went out the window. and i embarrassed myself.

the day i found out harold miner took my post to top 5 was the day i knew i wanted to write. and i loved to write. it meant i could do this. and posts that i felt were tasteless, werent. that my thoughts and ideas were worth something.

its not that i didnt think i was good. but its always nice to hear praise.

creative writing changed my life. i think more creatively than before. i write when im feeling stressed or need an outlet. its helped me get through some tough times. and i want to continue to write throughout my life.

so heres to harold miner- for making writing feel like a choice, and not like homework
*champagne glasses clink in the background*

One. Ed Sheeran

to the person who may assume the position of mine

i am sorry in advance that i am picky. its the plain truth.
i wont hire you unless you complete me in places i am broken.
my emotions run too high and i am sorry for that too.
ill cry during titanic
laugh at stupid jokes
scream at spiders 1cm long
but ill feel enough about you to know that i wouldn't leave for anyone else

i want hand holds. whenever. i wont mind.
ill be scared all the time. so just take my hand. show me that everything will work out.
show me that you want this too.

i want to talk to you about what i had for breakfast.
about this stupid thing this guy did during class yesterday. or how im scared im going to loose you. or about how i sleep on my side. and how i hate mustard on hotdogs.

i want to talk to you as if you were my sister, whom i've shared a room with for more than half my life. sisters share secrets no one else knows-not even mom.
sisters laugh
sisters love
sisters accept
sisters talk. about anything. thats what i want with you.

im curious. ill ask you how you got that scar above your left kneecap
or what your favorite type of pasta is.
how you like your eggs.
do you prefer black or white laces on your sneakers
how your vacation to ____ was last year...

and ill love you. though ill be scared ill love you.
ill laugh at any joke you throw at me
smile when you ask me a stupid question
ill hold your hand walking down the street
cry with you when you break down.
ill hug you from behind while standing in line for space mountain
ill fight with you when youre angry at me for spending over our budget
and when you want me to leave i wont. ill hug you until youre less broken than before.
and when i wake up to the smell of your worn cologne in the morning...ill take a deep breath

i love you already.

sincerely, yours.

a tumblr idea i liked

get to know me uncomfortably well

1. What is you middle name?     (i have no middle name)

2. How old are you?   n/a

4. What is your zodiac sign?     Capricorn

5. What is your favorite color?     if im wearing one its black or navy blue. if its just my fav color                                            its purple or aqua

6. What's your lucky number?     11 or 19

7. Do you have any pets?      guinea pig

9. How tall are you?     maybe 5 5'' on a good day

10. What shoe size are you?     9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?     maybe 15

12. What was your last dream about?     being at a 1D concert and handing out paper stars to fans (??)

13. What talents do you have?     laughing at everything even merely funny

14. Are you psychic in any way?     i wish

15. Favorite song?     today its magic by one direction

16. Favorite movie?     titanic with leonardo dicaprio and kate winslet

18. Do you want children?    eventually yes

20. Are you religious?     mormon.org

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?     emergency surgery once on my appendix

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?     nope

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?     Pentatonix

24. Baths or showers?     showers

25. What color socks are you wearing?     none

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?     i can't decide…but today yes

28. What type of music do you like?     pop mostly. and some days kenney chesney

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?     …yes

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?     two under my head and a pillow pet

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my right side or stomach

32. How big is your house?     umm tbh i don't know.. but it seems pretty big

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?     depends. my fav is bagels

34. Have you ever fired a gun?     nope

35. Have you ever tried archery?     no

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?     almost 24 hrs…

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?     idk they've never told me so...

41. Are you a good liar?     hmm i would say yes

42. Are you a good judge of character?     idk i think i am but who knows

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?     i can do British

44. Do you have a strong accent?      my cousins say i don't…

45. What is your favorite accent?     british ;)

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?     $60 dress from The Loft

48. Can you curl your tongue?     yes

49. Are you an innie or an outie?     innie :)

50. Left or right handed?     left!

51. Are you scared of spiders?     YES

52. Favorite food?     mac n cheese

53. Favorite foreign food?     sushi

54. Are you a clean or messy person?     I'm on the cleaner side

55. Most used phrased?     better than life / well shoot

56. Most used word?     hmm idk

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?     around 30min without showering

58. Do you have much of an ego?     yeah i think i do?

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?     suck

60. Do you talk to yourself?     all the time

61. Do you sing to yourself?     that too. especially while i drive

62. Are you a good singer?     i think i am

63. Biggest Fear?     my friends ditching me for somebody else

64. Are you a gossip?     honestly yes

65. Best dramatic movie you've seen?     titanic

66. Do you like long or short hair?     long hair on myself

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?     i sung the states song for a job audition and got the job

68. Favorite school subject?     arts stuff. choir. dance. etc

69. Extrovert or Introvert?     depends. on weekends I'm extrovert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?     no

71. What makes you nervous?     doing dangerous stuff. like bungee jumping

72. Are you scared of the dark?      nah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?     sometimes. depends on who it is

74. Are you ticklish?     …yes

75. Have you ever started a rumor?     no

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?     yes

77. Have you ever drank underage?     nope

78. Have you ever done drugs?     nope

79. Who was your first real crush?     a kid named jonah in the fourth grade

80. How many piercings do you have?     just earrings :)

81. Can you roll your Rs?"     yass

82. How fast can you type?     63wpm

84. What color is your hair?     light brown

85. What color are your eyes?     blue

87. Do you keep a journal?     yes. and a blog counts too right?

89. Do you like your age?     yes.

90. What makes you angry?     when other people aren't pulling their own weight

91. Do you like your own name?     yeah. it fits me

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?     not really

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?     a girl

94. What are you strengths?     understanding others emotions

95. What are your weaknesses?     listening

96. How did you get your name?     my mom thought it was a pretty name

97. Were your ancestors royalty?     i don't think so

98. Do you have any scars?     yeah, tripped in sixth grade- right under my left knee

99. Color of your bedspread?     aqua

100. Color of your room?      a periwinkle blue

one last time

the first missionary of many for me leaves next week.
and im missing the best talk of his life.
so i decided to take him out for his favorite food- sushi.


its just plain weird to think you wont see your best friends for two whole years.


it was super nostalgic. like the most nostalgic ive ever been in my entire life.
we talked about jokes we made up in tenth grade
lagoon day
physics class
lunches spent outside
wendys trips
and nights spent at the park.

we went to the park.
laid down on the grass.
and talked more.
i just had to look at him. is that weird to say? i just want to imprint his image on my mind- so i dont forget.

i hate forgetting
like forgetting your password you use everything for, i panic.
because even though the human mind cant remember everything, i want to remember it all.
the way he smells
how he pushes his glasses up his nose
that smirk when hes totally teasing you and you dont know it

and by remembering its like you never lost them.
theyre still here in youre heart
on youre mind

i always loved those return visits with tight hugs and warm smiles
as if saying
i never forgot you either.
 

summer nights

 

i wish i was margo from paper towns
and stargirl from stargirl.
i wish i could drive to new york just for fun.
talk until 3am on the phone
read an entire book in a day
and still have time to eat ihop before sunrise.
summertime makes me want to run in my bare feet and tank tops
summer wants me to cut my hair short.
she wants me to live loosely and act wild.

i want to fall in love with someone for a day
and listen to him play "photograph" on the guitar
and we'd take a photograph just to remember the day i fell in love for a day

im a free spirited thinker but a nervous speaker.

i wear watches but never check them for the time.
i write to do lists but never cross off number 10
i turn on "night changes" but never cry while listening to it.

i went to the park today with my two siblings. i watched them play on the park while i sat with my notebook and pen. turned on some music. i tried writing my list but i didnt finish it. i watched them play instead.