Saturday, June 16, 2018

its about him again

I can't even remember why I was mad at him
when I saw him all my angry thoughts disappeared
it had been so long since I saw him
we laughed the entire time
it was a fabulous feeling
I looked at him and I remembered him
his personality was shining
and I loved it




a few days ago I messaged him
he didn't respond until 24hrs later
I thought he had changed...

Monday, May 14, 2018

to you.

the past week has been harder than usual
maybe because I feel like you would be disappointed in my decisions
everyone has bad habits but why do I feel like mine are harder to break than others

I truly think about you way too much for my own good
im not even sure if I've met you
yet you haunt my every thought
my heart is desperate to find you while my brain just wants to have a good time
chill out, brain says, he'll come around eventually.
but my heart has her binoculars out, still hoping for you
I don't want to say im waiting around for you to show up but then I would be lying
how do you even begin to search for someone you haven't recognized yet?
or for something you've never actually felt before?
im still not sure


Sunday, May 6, 2018

harry styles

I finally came to the realization today that I am a hard core romantic
like I love love
I am in love with writing about love
and reading about love
reading definitions of what love is
how people fall in love
hearing about what people love
and why they love what they love
listening to music about love
hearing music I love
hearing voices of people I love


have I ever fallen in love? I don't think so...
my mom told me today that once I got a man in my life I would love harry styles less
my first thought was how is that possible?
I guess I won't know until I actually love somebody


Friday, April 27, 2018

in my blood. shawn mendes

don't scratch your head. don't do it.
cmon, you can't afford to do it again. you know what happens when you scratch. it just itches more and more and more and then it looks like you have dandruff all over yourself. 

but it feels so good once I scratch. and then it goes away for awhile. cmon just one scratch 

NO. you cannot scratch your head again. you got away with it yesterday but today is a new day and you can go one day without scratching your freaking head again. 

....okay, I can do one day....
....ugh but seriously it tingles SO BAD. JUST ONE SCRATCH 

NO. DONT DO IT TESSA. NO SCRATCHING. YOU CAN DO THIS.

okay okay I can do this.........................NO I NEED TO SCRATCH IT. THIS WILL BE MY LAST ONE I PROMISE

YOU SAID THAT THE LAST TIME YOU SCRATCHED YOUR HEAD YESTERDAY. NO MORE LYING TO YOURSELF

pleeassee.....I swear this is it. ill use special shampoo from now on and it'll help! cmon I can't just up and quit. I need to back off little by little....so I can just scratch my head a little less each day. 

YOU NEED TO STOP NOW. NO MORE LIES. YOUVE QUIT BEFORE AND YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. NO. MORE. SCRATCHING. PERIOD. 

{scratches my head}





Friday, April 20, 2018

Let Me. ZAYN

he talks more than other people I've met
I asked him a question and his lips took off running
most people I know don't do that.

we bonded over washington and music.
he understands music like I do, thats one thing I know
he asked me "you know how theres that one album an artist puts together for them, and its solely about them and what they've experienced"
and I knew exactly what he was talking about

he likes the 1975
nope he doesn't like my band but thats okay
he likes big cities too
im glad he does

he told me theres more girls than guys working with us over the summer
he made that face
I just laughed

Friday, April 6, 2018

everything is different now

my house looks different- new carpet, new TVs, a new weight set?
one direction “broke up” but all fans know they’ll get back together eventually, even if that’s 20 years from now....at least that’s what I tell myself
all my old clothes look the same but feel different....and my sister stole the shirt I loved the most..ugh
my cousin got married and my other cousin told me she’s pregnant
and my other cousin has now left for his two year expedition so I won’t see him for awhile
harry styles went solo and he has his own album now??!?!
found out we’re temporarily housing another dog so now there’s two crazy animals running rampant around the house.
oh yeah my high school crush got engaged lol

I got back in time for his wedding. how weird is that? like that must be fate or something. I didn’t go though. someone asked me “shouldn’t you go to support??” and I thought to myself, how could I support my first love as he gets married to some random girl who just graduated from high school? there’s no way.

the last time he saw me he told me he’d be at my homecoming. I haven’t seen him in almost three years....

I almost feel bad for my family. they ask me questions like what was it like?? and I could either talk for twenty hours about it or I could just say something simple like it was great. no matter what I say they won’t feel the same way I do about Oregon and Washington. I tell them the freeway feels like you’re driving down the middle of a forest and the ice cream tastes like lavender and they just give me this weird look.

they know I’m the same but they also know I’m different now. I know I’m different now.

I mean seriously I’m freaking out about my sister having a roommate who doesnt believe in God. and I’m not freaking out bc they don’t believe, mostly bc my sister could change this girls life and she hasn’t done anything about it yet. and they’ve been friends for months now. like this isn’t what normal people freak out about.

normal people freak out about shoes and clothes and boys and phones. I haven’t felt that yet.

.................

today I facetimed a friend and talked about a lot of things. It was a serious #realtalk and I needed it. somehow I freak out less and less every day. and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing.....


Wednesday, June 8, 2016

he knows.

note: this is my writing, but it was originally posted on The Odyssey Online on June 6th, 2016. you can view the original post here


he knows everything.
he knows everything because he's felt everything.
he knows what it feels like to fall off your bike and scrape your knee
he knows what its like to be bullied
he knows how scary it can be to go on wicked for the first time at lagoon
he knows what it feels like to eat your favorite flavor of ice cream on a hot summer day
he knows what it feels like to fight with your sister over what movie to watch
he knows what its like to cry at a funeral
he knows what its like to miss the winning shot
he knows what its like to get diagnosed with brain cancer
he knows what pornography looks like because he's seen it
he's been t-boned at an intersection
he's been to family reunions
he's finished a half marathon in 75 minutes and in 150 minutes
he knows how worried you are when you loose your child in Target
he knows you get nervous when you speak in church
he knows you get frustrated when the dog pees in the house
he knows how much you love diet coke
he knows how much effort you put into your church lessons
he's weeded in the yard and mowed the lawn
he's heard rap songs that swear and hymns that don't
he's won first place and last place
he knows when you tried your hardest and when you didn't try at all
he's worked with perfect people and imperfect people
he's felt your worst days and your happiest days
he knows all of this because he knows you- personally.
he knows all of this because he felt it first.
and maybe the worst part of it all was he felt it all alone.
he felt it all in one night- our Savior, our brother, our friend.
Jesus Christ knows what despair and hope feel like
and because of his sacrifice for us we can always have hope in Him and our Heavenly Father.
because He felt it He wants to help us. but it is our job to grab His hand and walk with Him.
he knows what you're going through- so why not let Him help you?