to: heaven from: megs

Tirk.

we're supposed to write about shoes this week. but i don't know what to write about. maybe writing a letter to you will help me out. you always had crazy ideas and they always made me laugh.

ive honestly thought about being in your shoes before. i think about what maybe you've thought about. i went up to salt lake on saturday. i took trax. Sophie and i were waiting for the next train-about twenty minutes- and i just stopped. you had been here. i stood up and looked down the track. i was silent for a minute. for you. i don't know how you did it. or where you did it. but you were there.

ive heard of people saying they felt the impact. but i try not to think about that too much.

did you know that day it was going to be your last? i hope you didn't. because you seemed happy that morning. you smiled at me! i couldn't have forced a smile if it were me.

i went to your funeral. there was no way i would miss that. your parents told the best stories about you. i cried. i even laughed a little. i sang for you. i cried some more. i touched your box. the flowers were beautiful. i swear you were there- i know you were there. i felt that box for a long time. i held onto it for a while. i didn't want to let go.

i have this weird thing about funerals. i hate looking at the body; its just not them. i hate walking past a bed of nobody. its eerie. but i wanted to see yours. i wanted to see you one last time. but i knew i wouldn't. the pictures in my head would've been tainted forever, so im glad that i didnt see you.

i miss you. yeah im doing better.

its weird, but i think i've changed. i see people in the hallway and ill say hi to them, even if they are only in one of my classes. i see other kids doing that too. lone peak has changed, Terik.

i have survivors guilt. yeah im doing better.

i visited you today for the first time. my dad has this thing called grave talking. i grave talked to you today. its a kinda weird thing to do. but its comforting to have you listen.

 

i expected myself to cry. maybe even break down a little, right there on the grass. but i didnt. im not sad anymore. i smiled at the pinwheel. i felt peace. and im not sad anymore.

but enough about me- how was your welcome home party?! im so mad that i missed it. i hope all of your friends were there. and your family. i bet all of your artwork was on the walls. who wouldn't want to display them?! i bet you danced the night away. and laughed til your stomach hurt.

i bet He welcomed you with wide arms. i bet He cried too. happy tears.


i miss you Terik.

check up on Grandpa, Gram, and Suzie for me
love
         megs