you almost killed me.

note: this is my original writing. it was first published by The Odyssey Online on May 19th 2016. you can read the original post here 

when you turn on a crime show the host introduces the people and what happened the night of the murderer.
you see blood spatters on the walls
dents in the car door
maybe a broken window
and you hear the sadness in the parents voice as they reminisce on that night.

like you, there's more than just the basic introduction

what about the hidden receipts in the kitchen drawer?
or the cat's claw marks in the bathroom?
the more the police dig into the crime scene, the more they realize you killed me.

but what they don't realize is that you killed me through words.

the disease started with "you're fat" and continued to spread through the entire fourth grade.
i thought once i moved away the disease would finally stop spreading
but it came back

the next flare-up appeared in middle school when no one wanted to dance with the bigger girl.
while everyone was talking about dances and boys i was talking about homework and swim team.

high school rolled around and you almost killed me. everywhere i looked you told me "youre not as good looking as her" and "the shoes you have aren't good enough"
somehow the disease had implanted itself into my thoughts- no one had to tell me that i didn't fit in anymore; i told myself.
and as prom got closer you became more rough on me. you almost killed me, but i finally realized something after i went to prom- no one really cared if you didn't go.

no one asked me purposely "oh so what did you do if you weren't at prom?" because no one actually cared what you did if you weren't at prom.
that day something changed- no one really cared about what you did. I finally realized that after years of telling myself i wasn't good enough no one cared if i was.

so you almost killed me. but once i realized i was better than that i took control of the wheel. i kicked you out of my car and that is who the police found dead in the garage. insecurities and bullies who had gotten inside my head for years finally had been put in their place- outside of my head.