the goodbye i never got

note: this is my original writing. this was originally published by The Odyssey Online on May 2nd, 2016. read the original post here. 

the last day before i moved back home was way too nostalgic.

my friends and i all went to get pizza together for the last time 

we sang songs while playing the guitar

we hugged, some of us cried.

but someone else was tugging on my thoughts 

because he wasnt there. 

i made a mental note to say goodbye before i went home 

.....

when i walked to his front door i knew something was different

when i pulled into the driveway i could feel it. 

he opened the door and pulled me into the greatest hug. 

i can still remember the way he squeezed me tighter. we both knew it would be one of our last for awhile. 

his mom was folding his clothes into the suitcase that would carry him miles away. i like to think that she liked me the most but thats just me. 

we sat and talked for two hours but we avoided talking about leaving. we knew each other too well to mention the elephant in the room. 

he said he had something for me and ran upstairs to get it- he handed me a letter. 

"dont read it now, wait until later" he said. 

i gave him my letter and said the same. 

"we'll see each other again! three years tessa- and ill be at your homecoming" 

i didnt cry and neither did he, we just smiled. 

he hugged me one last time and i drove home. 

once i got to my room i read his letter and cried. 

..... 

i wish i had that kind of goodbye with him but i didnt. 

he didnt tell me goodbye, but i guess i didnt say goodbye either. 

i walked past his door that night and didn't knock 

instead i thought about when i said goodbye to my best friend and how he's miles away now. 

and how maybe if i dont say goodbye it'll be as if we never left. 

i looked at his door and decided to walk home without knocking. 

.....

i took one last look at my apartment before leaving, and i thought about saying goodbye to him. 

i was scared of what i would say. it would really be the last time i saw him.

instead i left the building and shut the door.
i realize now i was too afraid to say goodbye. 

.....

i sent him a text yesterday. he replied, but we both know its different now.