I got declined!

Dear Tessa, 

Thank you for thinking of A Public Space with your submission, which we read closely. While we weren't able to find a home for it in the magazine, we very much appreciate the opportunity to consider it and wish you all good things with your writing. 

With gratitude, 
A Public Space

(the first of many. bring it on)

1/1/16

i hate feeling like this. this gnawing feeling
it always gets me and i dont know why i let it
but i do.

i decided to walk. somewhere, anywhere instead of just staying here.
the cold numbed my arms and it worked.
but just for a bit. because it always comes back.
it always comes back and i dont know why i let it
but i do.

i hate feeling alone.

being outside worked. but only for a bit because it always comes back, this feeling.
you'd think that this feeling of being by yourself would lessen
but the cold only numbs for a bit. the feeling doesnt feel anymore
it always comes back and i hate it.

to my older brother

i knew you wanted me to be at that fireside yesterday, because i felt you there.
youve heard this from me too many times but i dont think ill ever stop saying im sorry
i dont know how to forgive myself for a mistake thats hasnt been fixed for years
but somehow you do
that is miraculous to me

the speaker said "the atonement works in relationships"
and ive never felt more connected to you than right then
becuase you performed this gift, those actions have helped our relationship stay strong
ive been the idiot who keeps breaking up with you and then i come crying back a week later, saying im sorry and that ill never do it again

how do you have that kind of trust?
im amazed at the trust you have for people, and for me

you have the patience i dont have

flicker. niall horan

im so giddy its unreal
its been three years since i last saw you but today is the day that number turns zero
its like im on the edge of something amazing
my stomach wants to throw up but also eat everything in sight
my hands never sweat but they are today
i want time to speed up but also slow wayyy down
i dont want today to end

i told myself i wouldn't cry but i did
you sound amazingly happy and im so glad you are
the story behind the song made my heart flutter
my sister and i held each other the entire time
she was swooning as much as i was
i knew she would
i just wanted you to talk to me the entire time
three years may have kept us apart, but im so glad our paths crossed again
unil i see you again mi amor <3

mustaches

he never sleeps i swear
and i wish i could do that
i wish i could talk to the stars all night like he does

i told him 'straight into your arms' reminded me of him

last night we went to the music store and he sang it to me 

do 'just friends' do those kinds of things? im not sure

he sings in the car like i do 

i probably ask him way too many questions but i just wanna know whats going on inside that head of his 

he just invited me to see him at 11:20pm and i told him i was writing right now.....but why do i feel bad for saying no??

another poem about a boy

he is way too nice
like honestly he is
we work together every day and im sure he's tired of seeing my face
I know I am.....well actually i don't know yet
you've heard of the five love languages before right?
service and quality time. those are my top two.
so when you spend the entire day with the same person and he offers to help you with everything I can't quite help but think that its possible to fall for this guy
even if he's just trying to be nice and wants to help me sweep the step

but a voice in my head is so against it
I can't even look at him half the time because I know if I do then something will happen
and I don't want anything to happen
I know in reality looks aren't supposed to matter but
they do to a degree right?

its about him again

I can't even remember why I was mad at him

when I saw him all my angry thoughts disappeared

it had been so long since I saw him

we laughed the entire time

it was a fabulous feeling

I looked at him and I remembered him

his personality was shining

and I loved it

a few days ago I messaged him
he didn't respond until 24hrs later
I thought he had changed...

to you.

the past week has been harder than usual
maybe because I feel like you would be disappointed in my decisions
everyone has bad habits but why do I feel like mine are harder to break than others

I truly think about you way too much for my own good
im not even sure if I've met you
yet you haunt my every thought
my heart is desperate to find you while my brain just wants to have a good time
chill out, brain says, he'll come around eventually.
but my heart has her binoculars out, still hoping for you
I don't want to say im waiting around for you to show up but then I would be lying
how do you even begin to search for someone you haven't recognized yet?
or for something you've never actually felt before?
im still not sure

harry styles

I finally came to the realization today that I am a hard core romantic

like I love love

I am in love with writing about love

and reading about love

reading definitions of what love is

how people fall in love

hearing about what people love

and why they love what they love

listening to music about love

hearing music I love

hearing voices of people I love

have I ever fallen in love? I don't think so...

my mom told me today that once I got a man in my life I would love harry styles less

my first thought was how is that possible?

I guess I won't know until I actually love somebody

in my blood. shawn mendes

don't scratch your head. don't do it.

cmon, you can't afford to do it again. you know what happens when you scratch. it just itches more and more and more and then it looks like you have dandruff all over yourself. 

but it feels so good once I scratch. and then it goes away for awhile. cmon just one scratch 

NO. you cannot scratch your head again. you got away with it yesterday but today is a new day and you can go one day without scratching your freaking head again. 

....okay, I can do one day....

....ugh but seriously it tingles SO BAD. JUST ONE SCRATCH 

NO. DONT DO IT TESSA. NO SCRATCHING. YOU CAN DO THIS.

okay okay I can do this.........................NO I NEED TO SCRATCH IT. THIS WILL BE MY LAST ONE I PROMISE

YOU SAID THAT THE LAST TIME YOU SCRATCHED YOUR HEAD YESTERDAY. NO MORE LYING TO YOURSELF

pleeassee.....I swear this is it. ill use special shampoo from now on and it'll help! cmon I can't just up and quit. I need to back off little by little....so I can just scratch my head a little less each day. 

YOU NEED TO STOP NOW. NO MORE LIES. YOUVE QUIT BEFORE AND YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. NO. MORE. SCRATCHING. PERIOD. 

{scratches my head}

Let Me. ZAYN

he talks more than other people I've met
I asked him a question and his lips took off running
most people I know don't do that.

we bonded over washington and music.
he understands music like I do, thats one thing I know
he asked me "you know how theres that one album an artist puts together for them, and its solely about them and what they've experienced"
and I knew exactly what he was talking about

he likes the 1975
nope he doesn't like my band but thats okay
he likes big cities too
im glad he does

he told me theres more girls than guys working with us over the summer
he made that face
I just laughed

he knows.

note: this is my writing, but it was originally posted on The Odyssey Online on June 6th, 2016. you can view the original post here. 

he knows everything.
he knows everything because he's felt everything.
he knows what it feels like to fall off your bike and scrape your knee
he knows what its like to be bullied
he knows how scary it can be to go on wicked for the first time at lagoon
he knows what it feels like to eat your favorite flavor of ice cream on a hot summer day
he knows what it feels like to fight with your sister over what movie to watch
he knows what its like to cry at a funeral
he knows what its like to miss the winning shot
he knows what its like to get diagnosed with brain cancer
he knows what pornography looks like because he's seen it
he's been t-boned at an intersection
he's been to family reunions
he's finished a half marathon in 75 minutes and in 150 minutes
he knows how worried you are when you loose your child in Target
he knows you get nervous when you speak in church
he knows you get frustrated when the dog pees in the house
he knows how much you love diet coke
he knows how much effort you put into your church lessons
he's weeded in the yard and mowed the lawn
he's heard rap songs that swear and hymns that don't
he's won first place and last place
he knows when you tried your hardest and when you didn't try at all
he's worked with perfect people and imperfect people
he's felt your worst days and your happiest days
he knows all of this because he knows you- personally.
he knows all of this because he felt it first.
and maybe the worst part of it all was he felt it all alone.
he felt it all in one night- our Savior, our brother, our friend.
Jesus Christ knows what despair and hope feel like
and because of his sacrifice for us we can always have hope in Him and our Heavenly Father.
because He felt it He wants to help us. but it is our job to grab His hand and walk with Him.
he knows what you're going through- so why not let Him help you?

you almost killed me.

note: this is my original writing. it was first published by The Odyssey Online on May 19th 2016. you can read the original post here 

when you turn on a crime show the host introduces the people and what happened the night of the murderer.
you see blood spatters on the walls
dents in the car door
maybe a broken window
and you hear the sadness in the parents voice as they reminisce on that night.

like you, there's more than just the basic introduction

what about the hidden receipts in the kitchen drawer?
or the cat's claw marks in the bathroom?
the more the police dig into the crime scene, the more they realize you killed me.

but what they don't realize is that you killed me through words.

the disease started with "you're fat" and continued to spread through the entire fourth grade.
i thought once i moved away the disease would finally stop spreading
but it came back

the next flare-up appeared in middle school when no one wanted to dance with the bigger girl.
while everyone was talking about dances and boys i was talking about homework and swim team.

high school rolled around and you almost killed me. everywhere i looked you told me "youre not as good looking as her" and "the shoes you have aren't good enough"
somehow the disease had implanted itself into my thoughts- no one had to tell me that i didn't fit in anymore; i told myself.
and as prom got closer you became more rough on me. you almost killed me, but i finally realized something after i went to prom- no one really cared if you didn't go.

no one asked me purposely "oh so what did you do if you weren't at prom?" because no one actually cared what you did if you weren't at prom.
that day something changed- no one really cared about what you did. I finally realized that after years of telling myself i wasn't good enough no one cared if i was.

so you almost killed me. but once i realized i was better than that i took control of the wheel. i kicked you out of my car and that is who the police found dead in the garage. insecurities and bullies who had gotten inside my head for years finally had been put in their place- outside of my head.

the goodbye i never got

note: this is my original writing. this was originally published by The Odyssey Online on May 2nd, 2016. read the original post here. 

the last day before i moved back home was way too nostalgic.

my friends and i all went to get pizza together for the last time 

we sang songs while playing the guitar

we hugged, some of us cried.

but someone else was tugging on my thoughts 

because he wasnt there. 

i made a mental note to say goodbye before i went home 

.....

when i walked to his front door i knew something was different

when i pulled into the driveway i could feel it. 

he opened the door and pulled me into the greatest hug. 

i can still remember the way he squeezed me tighter. we both knew it would be one of our last for awhile. 

his mom was folding his clothes into the suitcase that would carry him miles away. i like to think that she liked me the most but thats just me. 

we sat and talked for two hours but we avoided talking about leaving. we knew each other too well to mention the elephant in the room. 

he said he had something for me and ran upstairs to get it- he handed me a letter. 

"dont read it now, wait until later" he said. 

i gave him my letter and said the same. 

"we'll see each other again! three years tessa- and ill be at your homecoming" 

i didnt cry and neither did he, we just smiled. 

he hugged me one last time and i drove home. 

once i got to my room i read his letter and cried. 

..... 

i wish i had that kind of goodbye with him but i didnt. 

he didnt tell me goodbye, but i guess i didnt say goodbye either. 

i walked past his door that night and didn't knock 

instead i thought about when i said goodbye to my best friend and how he's miles away now. 

and how maybe if i dont say goodbye it'll be as if we never left. 

i looked at his door and decided to walk home without knocking. 

.....

i took one last look at my apartment before leaving, and i thought about saying goodbye to him. 

i was scared of what i would say. it would really be the last time i saw him.

instead i left the building and shut the door.
i realize now i was too afraid to say goodbye. 

.....

i sent him a text yesterday. he replied, but we both know its different now. 

how?

note: this is my original writing, but it was first published by The Odyssey Online on Monday, May 2nd, 2016. read the original post here. 

my freshman year of college is over in five finals days. and im currently bawling my eyes out.

graduating high school is one thing but finishing a year at college is another.
at least youve got the summer before they leave but i only have days.
how can you tell someone you love them in five days?

how do you tell someone you love them in five days?
do you just kiss the lips off their face? or squeeze their hand a few extra times?
should i go on a date with him and just throw the words up in his face?
what about watching a few more episodes of the office because its his favorite?
how do i tell him?? because i have less than 120 hours with this stupid boy that i cannot forget and if i dont tell him now he will forget and you know how i hate forgetting.

he's like the bee that buzzes constantly around your ears and in my mind and he never shuts up yet i love it.
or the annoying sound of your alarm clock in the morning but somehow its comforting to hear because he's become a routine.

he stayed an hour past curfew one night and i swear we were gonna get caught because his laugh is so loud and contagious that it carried all the way out the door and down the hall.
we planned to watch a movie but somehow we ended up finding a stupid video about twilight. two hours later we were watching comedy vines via twitter.

he told me his girlfriend got mad that he was at my house once and i was beaming on the inside.
ive never been the one that makes the other girls jealous

he tells me he hates it here and every time i die a little, because he's happier in california, without me
and he's happier with his girlfriend, even though they fight every week

im not saying this is a "you belong with me" moment, but he doesn't fight with me
and he smiles more when hes with me
and he tells me im his only friend and i cant help but cry because who wouldn't want to be friends with the guy ive slowly fallen for?

how do i tell him i love him, even though he doesn't love me?

memories on my wall

i printed out pictures of memories to put on my new wall in my new room

its my happy wall.

i hate being by myself so whenever i start to feel lonely i just remember the memories i brought.

my favorite band. sunsets. my sister. a memorable date i went on. etc.

and it worked for a while

one day i stuck a note on my wall for the next time i got lonely.

"sometimes loneliness is God's cry for time with you"

now i dont just look at my memory wall, i think of Him.

because im sure He gets lonely too when you're not around.

february twenty fifth twenty fifteen

its not even the twenty fifth yet and i cried today
it hits me every once in a while that he's not here
he left almost one year ago
and it still breaks my heart

terik gagon is still one of my closest friends.
i talk to him when i cant talk to anyone else. and he listens, even though he's busy.

i sometimes think about what it would be like if he were here.
he'd probably live a building down from me, and we'd both be confused about american heritage homework. but he'd know what to do- he always did.

i hope you smile at every friend you see
and you embrace them every chance you get, because you never know when itll be your last

january first twenty sixteen

page 1 of 365

i thought the first page of this new story would've been different but it wasnt
i thought an addict could stop smoking after a year but he cant
even if he wills himself to leave that cigarette on the table somehow it finds its way in between his teeth
actions speak louder than words but words speak louder to the conscience
but the voice that speaks words to myself is becoming more weary by the night

i thought the first page of my new story was going to be less torn but it wasnt
the corners are folded and wrinkled




but ive realized that worn pages are loved.
and that these pages have been read over and over again
and maybe hard times and trials are better stories to tell than the fairytales.

please come back.

dear tess- i miss you.

i know its my fault that you left. i messed up again, and i know youve heard this a thousand times before, but hear me out alright?
i had to clear my head. and that week spent in london with liquor instead of with you was torture. i broke my phone against the wall.
and i cant believe you're still here. you stayed.
why?

i just hope you wont figure out why because once you do i know you'll be gone. the towel still wet from the last shower you took. the vanilla still fresh in the bathroom. the toothbrush still on the counter becuase you'll forget it. i know you will.

and every touch i get past today is a bonus, because once today becomes tomorrow ill just have memories.
and memories wont last forever, but theyll get me through tomorrow.
tess- youve got to know im sorry. the way it all started isnt how i wanted it to. and i cant erase it or change it now but i can say im sorry. and i can love you the rest of my life becuase thats what ive been doing since that day.

and ill always crave you in the most innocent ways. and ill always want to wake up to your annoying alarm clock becuase that means youre still here with me. and ill want to fall asleep next to you, and as i crawl into bed youll wrap you arms around me like you do every night and ill love you all over again. and ill wish for you to scream at me when i leave my jeans on the floor, just so i can see the way you scrunch your nose when youre upset. and ill always want you, tess. nothing will change it. theres no one else but you.

i love you.
always
harry x.

First Day of My Life. Bright Eyes

i have mental anxiety attacks.
if i think about college too much my palms start to sweat.
if i try to calculate how much i need to save for college i almost cry.
moving out makes me want to cringe.
and house payments makes me want to fly away with peter pan tonight.

growing up is hard. i decided that today.
transitioning from getting an all paid senior trip to not going on a trip til youre a senior is hard.
and going to lone peak didnt help that