but what if ?

if my heart was a refrigerator, she'd be full of cookie dough, red bell peppers, olive garden alfredo, and jacked diet coke.
if my heart was itunes, all the songs would be illegally downloaded.
if my heart was America, she would reside in LA and have a timeshare in NYC.
if my heart was my bedroom, the comforters would be on year round.
if my heart was English, she'd swoon over American accents
if my heart was cable tv, she'd have one station dedicated to sappy romance movies.
if my heart was a concert, she'd be a One Direction concert that was five hours long. and she'd loose her voice.
if my heart was on vacation, she'd go to Europe and stay there for a very long time.
if my heart had a job, she'd be a dancer. or a song producer.
if my heart had a favorite noise, she'd be rain.
if my heart had a shirt size, she'd be a XXL
if my heart was the weather, she'd rain every morning. sunny skies in the afternoons. no wind whatsoever
if my heart went to the zoo, she'd fly with the eagles and eat with the elephants and swim with the otters.
if my heart graduated in 32 days, she would be ecstatic. oh wait.
if my heart was spotify all the commercials would be super bowl commercials. 
if my heart took a hike to the top of timp, she'd stop after one mile and turn around.
if my heart flew to heaven for one day, she'd cry
if my heart went out to dinner, she'd ask for pasta every time.
if my heart had a wedding, the reception would last til 2am.
if my heart was a bag, she'd be a kate spade
if my heart was a cereal, she'd be lucky charms. or cheerios.
if my heart spoke in church, no one would understand her tearful words.



if my heart had a heart it would say " do what you love"

washington dc 2015

since i took so many pictures in washington dc i thought id share them.

that was Arlington cemetery.

MLK gave his I Have A Dream speech right there

Lincoln Memorial

 Washington Memorial in the distance

Holocaust Museum

Capitol Building

 Library of Congress

Jefferson's Library. they still have some of his original books there

not accessible aka national treasure movie

Library of Congress

 Jefferson Memorial

good ol Jefferson himself

 hey there obama. 

below is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

 Jerry our bus driver

 Washington's House

good friends. great capitol. amazing country

'merica

 from Washington to Jefferson

in remembrance

Never forget

My best friend Mallory Wolf from kindergarten. She had dimples

My first move from California to Chicago. 

The ninth grade dance I didn't go to.

Spring break morning when nat threw bananas into my cereal. 

That rub-your-back kind of hug

The squeeze-you-tight kind of hug

The Holocaust

Purposefully going to McDonald's after work even though I knew I would get the "why don't you obey me" schpeal from my mom afterwards

MLKs I Have A Dream Speech

Sleeping over at grams house to help with thanksgiving dinner

The Civil War

watching the dog show after the Macy's thanksgiving day parade (I always route for the pug)

Summer mornings watching the price is right with bob barker. 9am every weekday

The Ringer on the way to Washington, D.C.

Listening to the first song of their newest album for the first time

When he called my earrings "sexy". I laughed 

Aug 31 2015

Sitting behind president bednar on an airplane and not talking to him. 

Finding president bednar in an airport seven years later and redeeming myself. 

July 2012 

My best friend opening his mission call. I almost cried.

Wanting to be an artist in eighth grade

Telling him I loved him first. He said it back.

Mar 3 2015

That flying feeling in your stomach as you land from a flight

Telling him I loved him first. He didn't respond.

Friends coming to visit you at work

Your toothless seven-year-old smile

July 15 2015

Not acting my age at stake dances

Regrets

Never remember

Going to the ER

the dirty jokes

Stigmas

1945 Germany

Being called fat

Zayn quitting the band

Turning the machine off

Letting go of the leash 

Spring break 2014

Reading the next page

Gossip

Dad getting surgery 

Swear words

Jan 20 2010 

Mistakes

Dec 2013

Finding out

Feb 25 2015 10pm 

But I always want to remember...

4 lines about boys

he gave me flowers on friday.
it wasnt anything special. he didnt want his, and i was walking by.

give it to your mom- she'll love them

but he gave them to me anyway. and i love him for that.


he drove over to my house on tuesday.
it wasnt anything special. he was bringing me a smoothie because i had a cough.

i dont need a smoothie- my mom bought me one earlier

but he bought me one anyway. and i love him for that.


he talked with me late wednesday night.
it wasnt anything special. he had a question about a girl and he wanted advice.

i didnt know that much- honestly someone else might know more

but he stayed and talked anyway. and i love him for that.


he compliments me every day.
its not anything special. just simple things.

yeah right my hairs just in a ponytail today.

but he says them anyway- in his joking yet kind voice. and i love him for that.


he finds me every day.
its nothing special. he says hi and always smiles at me. asks me what im doing.

im not doing much.

but he keeps smiling. and he listens. and i love him for that.

 


boys are not all the same.
but they're all special in some way.

boys aren't perfect. and neither are girls.

but they're trying. and i love them for that. 

to: heaven from: megs

Tirk.

we're supposed to write about shoes this week. but i don't know what to write about. maybe writing a letter to you will help me out. you always had crazy ideas and they always made me laugh.

ive honestly thought about being in your shoes before. i think about what maybe you've thought about. i went up to salt lake on saturday. i took trax. Sophie and i were waiting for the next train-about twenty minutes- and i just stopped. you had been here. i stood up and looked down the track. i was silent for a minute. for you. i don't know how you did it. or where you did it. but you were there.

ive heard of people saying they felt the impact. but i try not to think about that too much.

did you know that day it was going to be your last? i hope you didn't. because you seemed happy that morning. you smiled at me! i couldn't have forced a smile if it were me.

i went to your funeral. there was no way i would miss that. your parents told the best stories about you. i cried. i even laughed a little. i sang for you. i cried some more. i touched your box. the flowers were beautiful. i swear you were there- i know you were there. i felt that box for a long time. i held onto it for a while. i didn't want to let go.

i have this weird thing about funerals. i hate looking at the body; its just not them. i hate walking past a bed of nobody. its eerie. but i wanted to see yours. i wanted to see you one last time. but i knew i wouldn't. the pictures in my head would've been tainted forever, so im glad that i didnt see you.

i miss you. yeah im doing better.

its weird, but i think i've changed. i see people in the hallway and ill say hi to them, even if they are only in one of my classes. i see other kids doing that too. lone peak has changed, Terik.

i have survivors guilt. yeah im doing better.

i visited you today for the first time. my dad has this thing called grave talking. i grave talked to you today. its a kinda weird thing to do. but its comforting to have you listen.

 

i expected myself to cry. maybe even break down a little, right there on the grass. but i didnt. im not sad anymore. i smiled at the pinwheel. i felt peace. and im not sad anymore.

but enough about me- how was your welcome home party?! im so mad that i missed it. i hope all of your friends were there. and your family. i bet all of your artwork was on the walls. who wouldn't want to display them?! i bet you danced the night away. and laughed til your stomach hurt.

i bet He welcomed you with wide arms. i bet He cried too. happy tears.


i miss you Terik.

check up on Grandpa, Gram, and Suzie for me
love
         megs

scents of life

freshly cut grass

coconut shampoo

feet

cookies in the oven

your baby blanket

the ocean

SUSHI 

petting zoos in the middle of nowhere

lemon soap

leather couches

wet dog

a washed sweatshirt

fresh air

pinesol

the smell of A&F stores

bathrooms

your pajamas

our moment perfume 

slc

a burger from mcdonalds

balloons

vanilla blackberry lotion

burnt pancakes

flowers

a new phone case

cafe rio's cilantro dressing

old books

cadbury eggs

wet hair 

summer

lush bath bombs

olive garden breadsticks

your own breath

cologne 

pine trees

hot apple cider

hawaii