he knows.

note: this is my writing, but it was originally posted on The Odyssey Online on June 6th, 2016. you can view the original post here. 

he knows everything.
he knows everything because he's felt everything.
he knows what it feels like to fall off your bike and scrape your knee
he knows what its like to be bullied
he knows how scary it can be to go on wicked for the first time at lagoon
he knows what it feels like to eat your favorite flavor of ice cream on a hot summer day
he knows what it feels like to fight with your sister over what movie to watch
he knows what its like to cry at a funeral
he knows what its like to miss the winning shot
he knows what its like to get diagnosed with brain cancer
he knows what pornography looks like because he's seen it
he's been t-boned at an intersection
he's been to family reunions
he's finished a half marathon in 75 minutes and in 150 minutes
he knows how worried you are when you loose your child in Target
he knows you get nervous when you speak in church
he knows you get frustrated when the dog pees in the house
he knows how much you love diet coke
he knows how much effort you put into your church lessons
he's weeded in the yard and mowed the lawn
he's heard rap songs that swear and hymns that don't
he's won first place and last place
he knows when you tried your hardest and when you didn't try at all
he's worked with perfect people and imperfect people
he's felt your worst days and your happiest days
he knows all of this because he knows you- personally.
he knows all of this because he felt it first.
and maybe the worst part of it all was he felt it all alone.
he felt it all in one night- our Savior, our brother, our friend.
Jesus Christ knows what despair and hope feel like
and because of his sacrifice for us we can always have hope in Him and our Heavenly Father.
because He felt it He wants to help us. but it is our job to grab His hand and walk with Him.
he knows what you're going through- so why not let Him help you?

you almost killed me.

note: this is my original writing. it was first published by The Odyssey Online on May 19th 2016. you can read the original post here 

when you turn on a crime show the host introduces the people and what happened the night of the murderer.
you see blood spatters on the walls
dents in the car door
maybe a broken window
and you hear the sadness in the parents voice as they reminisce on that night.

like you, there's more than just the basic introduction

what about the hidden receipts in the kitchen drawer?
or the cat's claw marks in the bathroom?
the more the police dig into the crime scene, the more they realize you killed me.

but what they don't realize is that you killed me through words.

the disease started with "you're fat" and continued to spread through the entire fourth grade.
i thought once i moved away the disease would finally stop spreading
but it came back

the next flare-up appeared in middle school when no one wanted to dance with the bigger girl.
while everyone was talking about dances and boys i was talking about homework and swim team.

high school rolled around and you almost killed me. everywhere i looked you told me "youre not as good looking as her" and "the shoes you have aren't good enough"
somehow the disease had implanted itself into my thoughts- no one had to tell me that i didn't fit in anymore; i told myself.
and as prom got closer you became more rough on me. you almost killed me, but i finally realized something after i went to prom- no one really cared if you didn't go.

no one asked me purposely "oh so what did you do if you weren't at prom?" because no one actually cared what you did if you weren't at prom.
that day something changed- no one really cared about what you did. I finally realized that after years of telling myself i wasn't good enough no one cared if i was.

so you almost killed me. but once i realized i was better than that i took control of the wheel. i kicked you out of my car and that is who the police found dead in the garage. insecurities and bullies who had gotten inside my head for years finally had been put in their place- outside of my head.

the goodbye i never got

note: this is my original writing. this was originally published by The Odyssey Online on May 2nd, 2016. read the original post here. 

the last day before i moved back home was way too nostalgic.

my friends and i all went to get pizza together for the last time 

we sang songs while playing the guitar

we hugged, some of us cried.

but someone else was tugging on my thoughts 

because he wasnt there. 

i made a mental note to say goodbye before i went home 

.....

when i walked to his front door i knew something was different

when i pulled into the driveway i could feel it. 

he opened the door and pulled me into the greatest hug. 

i can still remember the way he squeezed me tighter. we both knew it would be one of our last for awhile. 

his mom was folding his clothes into the suitcase that would carry him miles away. i like to think that she liked me the most but thats just me. 

we sat and talked for two hours but we avoided talking about leaving. we knew each other too well to mention the elephant in the room. 

he said he had something for me and ran upstairs to get it- he handed me a letter. 

"dont read it now, wait until later" he said. 

i gave him my letter and said the same. 

"we'll see each other again! three years tessa- and ill be at your homecoming" 

i didnt cry and neither did he, we just smiled. 

he hugged me one last time and i drove home. 

once i got to my room i read his letter and cried. 

..... 

i wish i had that kind of goodbye with him but i didnt. 

he didnt tell me goodbye, but i guess i didnt say goodbye either. 

i walked past his door that night and didn't knock 

instead i thought about when i said goodbye to my best friend and how he's miles away now. 

and how maybe if i dont say goodbye it'll be as if we never left. 

i looked at his door and decided to walk home without knocking. 

.....

i took one last look at my apartment before leaving, and i thought about saying goodbye to him. 

i was scared of what i would say. it would really be the last time i saw him.

instead i left the building and shut the door.
i realize now i was too afraid to say goodbye. 

.....

i sent him a text yesterday. he replied, but we both know its different now. 

how?

note: this is my original writing, but it was first published by The Odyssey Online on Monday, May 2nd, 2016. read the original post here. 

my freshman year of college is over in five finals days. and im currently bawling my eyes out.

graduating high school is one thing but finishing a year at college is another.
at least youve got the summer before they leave but i only have days.
how can you tell someone you love them in five days?

how do you tell someone you love them in five days?
do you just kiss the lips off their face? or squeeze their hand a few extra times?
should i go on a date with him and just throw the words up in his face?
what about watching a few more episodes of the office because its his favorite?
how do i tell him?? because i have less than 120 hours with this stupid boy that i cannot forget and if i dont tell him now he will forget and you know how i hate forgetting.

he's like the bee that buzzes constantly around your ears and in my mind and he never shuts up yet i love it.
or the annoying sound of your alarm clock in the morning but somehow its comforting to hear because he's become a routine.

he stayed an hour past curfew one night and i swear we were gonna get caught because his laugh is so loud and contagious that it carried all the way out the door and down the hall.
we planned to watch a movie but somehow we ended up finding a stupid video about twilight. two hours later we were watching comedy vines via twitter.

he told me his girlfriend got mad that he was at my house once and i was beaming on the inside.
ive never been the one that makes the other girls jealous

he tells me he hates it here and every time i die a little, because he's happier in california, without me
and he's happier with his girlfriend, even though they fight every week

im not saying this is a "you belong with me" moment, but he doesn't fight with me
and he smiles more when hes with me
and he tells me im his only friend and i cant help but cry because who wouldn't want to be friends with the guy ive slowly fallen for?

how do i tell him i love him, even though he doesn't love me?

memories on my wall

i printed out pictures of memories to put on my new wall in my new room

its my happy wall.

i hate being by myself so whenever i start to feel lonely i just remember the memories i brought.

my favorite band. sunsets. my sister. a memorable date i went on. etc.

and it worked for a while

one day i stuck a note on my wall for the next time i got lonely.

"sometimes loneliness is God's cry for time with you"

now i dont just look at my memory wall, i think of Him.

because im sure He gets lonely too when you're not around.

february twenty fifth twenty fifteen

its not even the twenty fifth yet and i cried today
it hits me every once in a while that he's not here
he left almost one year ago
and it still breaks my heart

terik gagon is still one of my closest friends.
i talk to him when i cant talk to anyone else. and he listens, even though he's busy.

i sometimes think about what it would be like if he were here.
he'd probably live a building down from me, and we'd both be confused about american heritage homework. but he'd know what to do- he always did.

i hope you smile at every friend you see
and you embrace them every chance you get, because you never know when itll be your last

january first twenty sixteen

page 1 of 365

i thought the first page of this new story would've been different but it wasnt
i thought an addict could stop smoking after a year but he cant
even if he wills himself to leave that cigarette on the table somehow it finds its way in between his teeth
actions speak louder than words but words speak louder to the conscience
but the voice that speaks words to myself is becoming more weary by the night

i thought the first page of my new story was going to be less torn but it wasnt
the corners are folded and wrinkled




but ive realized that worn pages are loved.
and that these pages have been read over and over again
and maybe hard times and trials are better stories to tell than the fairytales.