one last time

the first missionary of many for me leaves next week.
and im missing the best talk of his life.
so i decided to take him out for his favorite food- sushi.


its just plain weird to think you wont see your best friends for two whole years.


it was super nostalgic. like the most nostalgic ive ever been in my entire life.
we talked about jokes we made up in tenth grade
lagoon day
physics class
lunches spent outside
wendys trips
and nights spent at the park.

we went to the park.
laid down on the grass.
and talked more.
i just had to look at him. is that weird to say? i just want to imprint his image on my mind- so i dont forget.

i hate forgetting
like forgetting your password you use everything for, i panic.
because even though the human mind cant remember everything, i want to remember it all.
the way he smells
how he pushes his glasses up his nose
that smirk when hes totally teasing you and you dont know it

and by remembering its like you never lost them.
theyre still here in youre heart
on youre mind

i always loved those return visits with tight hugs and warm smiles
as if saying
i never forgot you either.
 

summer nights

 

i wish i was margo from paper towns
and stargirl from stargirl.
i wish i could drive to new york just for fun.
talk until 3am on the phone
read an entire book in a day
and still have time to eat ihop before sunrise.
summertime makes me want to run in my bare feet and tank tops
summer wants me to cut my hair short.
she wants me to live loosely and act wild.

i want to fall in love with someone for a day
and listen to him play "photograph" on the guitar
and we'd take a photograph just to remember the day i fell in love for a day

im a free spirited thinker but a nervous speaker.

i wear watches but never check them for the time.
i write to do lists but never cross off number 10
i turn on "night changes" but never cry while listening to it.

i went to the park today with my two siblings. i watched them play on the park while i sat with my notebook and pen. turned on some music. i tried writing my list but i didnt finish it. i watched them play instead.

breathe

(inspired by american oxygen, rihanna)

what are we?
who are you?

a mormon
a singer
babysitter
step sibling
rich kid

 an american

well they say you can be anything at all in America

is there something in this desert air?
is there something that makes us want to single out the fat kids?
breathe in
or become the next nicki minaj
to beat a black boy to death because he was so thirsty he drank from a grey water fountain.
breathe out
to bet your childs birthday fare to settle your own affairs
buy tickets to a game whos teams you dont even follow
breathe in breathe out
to get so drunk that we forget our children's names the next morning when they ask us where we were last night.
to play baseball just to hear your dad say "im proud of you son"

to sing our souls out on broadway
to flood wall street with signs of "let us be" and "we are free"
to become the best footballer you've ever seen on your high school team
to be the next star on the wrecking ball
that makes you want to sweat years worth of blood so you qualify for the olympics
that turns the music up for us while we drive

breathe in. breathe out. 

is there some disease in our apples that makes our apple pie taste more like freedom than sugar?
is there something in the humidity that makes my hair frizz with anger and my heart frizz with halleluiahs. 
that makes british accents wish they had american ones.
i mean we want to be german engineers, but german engineers want to breathe free.
do the trees turn CO2 into freedom and do the bells ring out stars
because i cant catch them.
my lungs cant catch them.

my lungs tell my mind to grab those stars but my mind sends an emailed reply saying
"thanks but we're full"

breathe in. breathe out.
there is something in this air we breathe!
we sweat for a nickel and a dime.
we turned this into an empire.

breathe out. breathe in.
american oxygen.

lets get real

i am too emotional about everything.

like freak i cried about zayn leaving one direction.

i cried when my two best friends decided to date in october
i cried when my mom told me to grow up
i cried when i told my mom happy mothers day at church.
i cry when i read after.
i cried when ed starting singing photograph and i realized this day will become one
i cried after i finished my last choir concert.
and if i havent cried yet im probably on the verge of tears.

i scream when im about to cry.
i screamed when i found out that terik gagon commited suicide
i screamed into my pillow when he didnt reply to my confession of i " like like " you.
i scream inside when i think about how i wont see him there in july.

but i laugh to cover up my screams.
i laughed when they called me fat.
i laugh during slow dances when it gets awkward
i laughed at him because he said my laugh was adorable and i didnt believe him
i laugh when i hear stupid jokes just so they dont feel bad
i laughed when he said your blog is amazing

i laugh so much i swear ill live a thousand years
but living that long would be torture for what i feel.

"it is a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply"

megs

its working

i really hate fake people.


can i just be real for a sec? i mean i know some people who literally say they like ____ about everything.

oh i LOVE pasta!
wait i know that song its amazing!
hey you know them too? they're super cool.
yeah i hate pasta too.
have you heard this before? yeah i havent either.
i dont think i know them...maybe ive seen them in my class once.

please dont. like please.
it drives me insane.

have a solid opinion for once!
id rather have someone tell me they straight up hate my taste in music than lie about it.
the worst is when you know the answer to the question already and they change the answer.
UGH

and please dont try to sound cool by knowing everything about everyone. who really knows everyone?? it doesnt make you look cooler in my opinion.

just be you.
dont care about what others think.

i grew up being told by classmates that i was fat. and i believed them until last year. i told myself that its all in your head. get over it. and be you. if you want your spouse to be them, then you have to learn to be you. and  you know what? its working.

ive done this for years. so im talking to myself too.

be you with everybody.
not just your boyfriend. not just your family. not just your best friend forever.

i lay it out tbh. well i feel like i lay it out.

yeah i dont know them.
that musics pretty good, but my favorite is one direction.
yep im getting pasta again.
the pink one looks better than the black one.

and you know what? its working.

the confidence is being built. brick by uneven brick.

its working.

this may sound sassy and a bit mean but i just had to say it.
please be you. its the best thing you'll ever do. 

but what if ?

if my heart was a refrigerator, she'd be full of cookie dough, red bell peppers, olive garden alfredo, and jacked diet coke.
if my heart was itunes, all the songs would be illegally downloaded.
if my heart was America, she would reside in LA and have a timeshare in NYC.
if my heart was my bedroom, the comforters would be on year round.
if my heart was English, she'd swoon over American accents
if my heart was cable tv, she'd have one station dedicated to sappy romance movies.
if my heart was a concert, she'd be a One Direction concert that was five hours long. and she'd loose her voice.
if my heart was on vacation, she'd go to Europe and stay there for a very long time.
if my heart had a job, she'd be a dancer. or a song producer.
if my heart had a favorite noise, she'd be rain.
if my heart had a shirt size, she'd be a XXL
if my heart was the weather, she'd rain every morning. sunny skies in the afternoons. no wind whatsoever
if my heart went to the zoo, she'd fly with the eagles and eat with the elephants and swim with the otters.
if my heart graduated in 32 days, she would be ecstatic. oh wait.
if my heart was spotify all the commercials would be super bowl commercials. 
if my heart took a hike to the top of timp, she'd stop after one mile and turn around.
if my heart flew to heaven for one day, she'd cry
if my heart went out to dinner, she'd ask for pasta every time.
if my heart had a wedding, the reception would last til 2am.
if my heart was a bag, she'd be a kate spade
if my heart was a cereal, she'd be lucky charms. or cheerios.
if my heart spoke in church, no one would understand her tearful words.



if my heart had a heart it would say " do what you love"

washington dc 2015

since i took so many pictures in washington dc i thought id share them.

that was Arlington cemetery.

MLK gave his I Have A Dream speech right there

Lincoln Memorial

 Washington Memorial in the distance

Holocaust Museum

Capitol Building

 Library of Congress

Jefferson's Library. they still have some of his original books there

not accessible aka national treasure movie

Library of Congress

 Jefferson Memorial

good ol Jefferson himself

 hey there obama. 

below is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

 Jerry our bus driver

 Washington's House

good friends. great capitol. amazing country

'merica

 from Washington to Jefferson